floating

We took the boat out to Sampson's Island yesterday. It was hot. The tide was low and we tucked the boat into a quiet stretch of beach with our own private sandbar. We jumped out of the boat into very warm water that just lapped our ankles. Clams were scattered here and there. You hardly had to dig. The girls splashed ahead with their buckets and hunted for fish that were swimming in the heated water along the sandbar. After we were settled, I joined the girls in the quest to capture fish. I was bent over, fixing my bucket into a trap--my eyes focused on the water. Nelson and the baby were on the shore playing on the water's edge. After a few minutes of failed attempts at fish trapping, I looked up and what I saw nearly left me changed forever.

David was floating away from Nelson face down in the water. Nelson had just looked away for a few moments. Ten seconds, maybe? I screamed. Nelson turned, raced to David and grabbed his shirt and plucked him from the water. I ran. My heart pounded with a kind of terror I've known only once before in my life. Half way to the shore, I could see David. He cried, but he was fine. He was pink. He hadn't inhaled any water. He reached for me, put his little head on my shoulder then looked up and smiled at Nelson.

I'll never wipe that image from my mind--of my baby boy floating away from us, possibly aspirating, possibly panicked, possibly unconscious and miles from main land. A bit of my heart died at even the thought of it.

But he held his breath. Nelson says it is a baby's instinct to hold their breath. I say it's a miracle. And I will never stop being thankful for it.

something I read once...

I saw the lord with the eyes of my heart.
I said, "Who Are You?"
God answered, "You."

the reflection

About six months after my father died I had a dream about him. I was sitting on a bed in a hotel room. From my vantage point I could see a mirror through the bathroom door which was slightly ajar. In the dream I was talking to someone in the room. Suddenly I looked over in the direction of the bathroom, and I saw my Dad in the reflection of the mirror. My heart pounded. I stood up to go to him but when I looked again he was gone. And then I jolted awake. It was one of those dreams that felt so real. As quickly as I woke, I understood the meaning of this dream. My father was still around--he's a part of me--a part of the person I see when I look in the mirror.

I was telling this story to a friend a few months later and she said, "Shelley, that's The Lion King...you know, the circle of life, when Simba looks in the pond and sees what at first he thinks is just his reflection but then understands is also Mufasa's reflection."

It's taken me a long time to get the true significance of this dream--to realize it's more than just a metaphor. It's taken me a long time to realize it was my Dad speaking to me through my dream letting me know he will always be right where I need him.

too much

I haven't been writing much these days. Julia is experiencing medical problems so that's been my primary concern. It's been overwhelming--not sleeping, visits to the hospital, no clear answers and lots of five-year old tears (and tantrums). But it appears as though it's not too serious, and we will get through it. We have Elise's birthday coming up this weekend, so we need to pull it together for her special celebration.

I've also been thinking about this blog. I want to continue writing but with other paying assignments and my novel in progress, it's hard to find time. Blogging about family life is a nice way to preserve memories yet it can be exhausting too. I'm considering a blog about something that doesn't involve my personal life. But I'm not sure what that would be.

Since Julia is in a cast we have lost our beach days and many other planned summer activities. I'm shifting gears and trying to make the best of August. I've been reading a lot. It's my escape. Right now I'm reading The Time Traveler's Wife.

I never imagined parenting could be so hard. These last weeks have been one long day after the other of dealing with three children who all have their own little worries and needs. David wakes at night and cries for stretches before he naps. Elise is handling all the attention towards Julia with grace but even she is showing signs of stress. Mostly the two of them fight viciously and it's wearing me to the bone. The other day, after Julia spit out her medicine all over me, I ran into the bathroom to cry. Elise was screaming from the commotion and banging on the door and David was sitting in the middle of the living room wailing. And I thought of that song, What Wondrous Love Is This? The words helped me wipe the tears, pick myself back up and realize this is just a little blip of our lives. When I was sinking down, beneath God's righteous frown, Christ laid aside His crown for my soul. Cast in this light, my little problems seem insignificant really. And there's love to hold me up when I fall down. Wondrous indeed.